Updated: Nov 13, 2019
WARNING: Mild-to-moderate menstrual cycle TMI is forthcoming. Stop reading here if you're not into that.
Don't let that title give you the wrong idea--in a depressed state, I have everything-sucks days frequently. But roughly every twenty-eight days, EVERYTHING SUCKS.
At 5:30 this morning, I woke up because I had to use the bathroom. Also because I had cramps.
Ladies, are you often able to pinpoint the exact moment your period starts? You're having cramps, then comes that one special cramp where you start bleeding, and you can literally feel the surge of hormones. Mood drops, shakes begin (which happens in the body during any sort of sudden hormonal shift), fatigue sets in.
That's how my day started.
At 6:30 my alarm went off, and the thirty-minute window where I allow myself to hit snooze several times began.
During that thirty minutes, I laid awake and thought about the fact that the kids hadn't had their Sunday evening baths last night, so they need them tonight. My son still needs his hair cut. I need to look into this reading program my daughter is doing: is there something I need to fill out, or is her reading time being kept track of at school? I left the kitchen a mess last night.
This all seemed overwhelming to me.
Calm down Erin, that's not that much to worry about. Get a grip, I told myself.
At seven, it was time to actually get up; and I'm telling you, you'd have thought someone asked me to help them move, and also to help them poison a dog.
This is my reaction to 7AM every weekday morning (and one special day out of the month is worse than others). It's completely ridiculous--I work from home, I set my own hours, it's not like I have to trudge off to a job I hate. But depression can make the simple act of dragging myself out of bed in the morning a freakin' ordeal.
I then proceeded to get my kids ready for school--in mommy mode, taking nothing out on them--but feeling like I'd been hit by a truck.
That's PMDD. Getting your period can feel like getting the flu--or at least mean a comparable level of feeling shitty. Every. Month.
That reminds me, why the hell is the icon for every period tracker app a damn pink flower? I don't feel like no fucking pink flower during my period, do you?
When my alarm clock goes off every morning, and I feel like the moment of my execution is imminent? On bad mornings, that's usually the moment I give up on the whole day.
You might be thinking, So you had a couple bad moments this morning--what's the big deal? But that's what depression is: a series of moments that, if you can get past them, you're fine; if you can't, your day's ruined.
I've made it my mission to make the former true more often than the latter, instead of the other way around. Two weeks ago, after a morning like this, I'd be sitting on my couch right now reading Cracked and playing The Sims, pissed at myself for wasting the day away, but feeling like I had no choice. Depression wins again!
Well, I'm sick of letting it win! I'm stronger than that.
This is easier said than done, and some days I'm successful, others I'm not. It's the effort that's important--it can mean the difference between a day spent feeling like shit and admonishing myself for being so "lazy" (we unfairly slap that label on ourselves just as often as anyone else does)--and a day spent doing what I love and feeling accomplished come the evening.
Which I can then spend reading Cracked and playing The Sims in peace.
[Every now and again, you'll see a post like this called "Dear Diary..." They'll be more conversational, focus more on my personal experiences than straight-forward information--and they're likely to contain grittier language, so skip these if that's not your cup of tea. The purpose of this blog is to keep it real and relatable, and these are as real as it gets.]
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